Freeing Friday
Franny bares her soul in this deeply personal and painful message. You never know what someone else has had to deal with in their life. Thx Franny, I only love you more.
I find it easier in my 40’s to afford material loss over spiritual gain knowing experientially that peace is what follows. I focus far less on buying things or wanting ‘new’ of anything. It’s easier in some sense because I am established. But my ‘most profound’ act of contrition is not related to materialistic kinds of self-indulgences or lazy comforts. My greatest fault has always been my stubborn, and aggressive temperament, and I must choose to be kind when I really don’t want to be.
I was abused, tormented, mean spirited, and resourceful as a 7 year old. It was a true Godsend to be placed in a new home with supportive guardians after living several years in the house of a drug addicted parent. They immediately enrolled me in sports like soccer, lacrosse and golf lessons in hopes that the physical nature of play would alleviate some of the aggressive behavior. It worked some, but it was not a fix-all. I still threw people down the stairs, kicked people on the playground, and bit the teaching aide while she tried to get me to go back inside from the playground. I was used to wandering construction sites, destroying property, and stealing for food. I had no interest in making friends with people that looked at me like I was a thug.
A little old nun befriended me shortly after being enrolled in CCD. I was the kid sitting in the back, mumbling the Apostles creed. I couldn’t read. I couldn’t write. So she would invite me back to the nunnery, teach me to play poker, and read me proverbs. She told me to stop hurting others when I felt hurt by others. ‘Don’t seek revenge, my dear girl, God is paying attention to all of this life we live. Pray for those who persecute you instead. Our natural instincts tell us to run free with our emotions, but that’s when we make stupid choices. Restrain yourself and listen for God.’ I stayed quiet, but it was then I chose to abide the nun. She fed me, and hugged me, and taught me how to decorate pysanky eggs. She was my first real friend. Praying for people I hated was so difficult. I don’t think I’ve really hated anyone in a long time since those days, but I remember how intense my dislike for my bullies would be and I cannot think of a strong enough word to describe that feeling outside of real hate. I would be so angry, I’d shake. In the absence of clapping back, my brain struggled to diffuse such strong anger and I developed another awkward habit in replacement of lashing out. I would stutter. And I still do it if you are someone I don’t trust. I don’t feel safe with you and it’s my only way of processing my feelings for you such that I don’t curse you out or punch you in the face. Even if I’ve moved forward with forgiveness, the trust is gone, and the stutter will be mildly present. Paul describes biblical temperance as the act of moderating self-control as the ‘fruit of the holy spirit’. I’d like to think of my stutter as the hand of the holy ghost holding back my tongue before it does something wrong. Discipline has always been about creating good habits, replacement bad habits with better ones, and creating a space for God to unremittingly exist.
Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors..” Matthew 6:22
Make it a Freeing Friday! God is good…